I FEEL

Its raining.

I can smell the earth just as the drop of rain kisses the ground.....and the view of the earthen soil slowly getting soaked in the rain water.

The wind has an earthen taste in it.

Cool breeze touches my forehead n plains out all the stress lines...sweeps off my tears with its flow.....and yet another drop of tear makes its own path down my cheeks and slowly falls down making friendship with the rain.

It rains day and night.

And I stare outside the window ...blank.

Too many thoughts cloud my mind .

Too clumsy to distinctly separate them.

So many ideas rush into my little brain at one point of time,

And the next minute I feel so blank.

The clouds draw up close and it gets more dark.

I feel dark too....mixed feelings clouding my heart.

It seems as if the Sky is in war with the Land.

One showing how much it can pour and the other showing its power to soak down the downpour.

At home day and night.

Confined within the four walls of my room,

My feelings confined in my heart.

Open diary on the table, pages flying out here and there...

Open wound in the heart vulnerable to the world.

Segregated ,seperated, alienated from the rest of the world.

Saved and treasured time only for myself,

Just to know who I am, Why I am...

Recollecting and reliving...

The lost times of my life....

I realize its hard to forget and even harder to forgive....

And the power of endurance increases with time.

As life matures with the growing time so does its complexities...

Its hard to define even harder to explain...

I myself don't understand

which phase of life I am going through.

Are things that has happened before are repeating itself or is it something new

Everything feels just so same ,monotonous, repetitive....

It has stopped raining

The ground is wet.

But still the clouds don't seem to clear up.

Its grey outside....and so is my inside...

Hardly three weeks left for the festive month of Kolkata to begin....

The Durga puja,

The colors, the pandals ,the food, the mid-afternoon and late night addas

No restrictions for the five days.

The sound of dhak,

men dressed up in their best, women decked up with their new jewelleries

children and youngsters and teenagers showing off their new clothes.

A total “hoichoi” in the para and all around Kolkata.

Old friends, relatives meeting up at this time of the year.

The shopping has already started and everyone busy buying

Everyone so busy…..

Yet I am here in my space

Unlike a Bengali not excited even the slightest by the festive fever around

I am just not liking all this around…

Rather nowadays nothing excites me I’m not surprised at any sight….

Ever season every festive day seems like another usual day for me...

Indifferent to the world and the world indifferent to my reactions....

Just following the daily routine....

I continue doing my work, my daily job and my duties to everyone .....

Whether I am benefited or I'm at a loss is no more my concern -I feel.